When The Tide Falls
by disenchanted-fairytale-92
Summary: Bella doesn't jump from the cliff. She decides to try her chance at love again, but this time it's with Jacob. Don't jump to conclusions though, cause this story is different from all the normal bella doesn't jump stories, will soon become a trilogy....
1. Turning To Bittersweet Oblivion

**AN: This is my favorite story to write. It is about the whole what if Bella didn't jump scenario, but completely different. I am hoping to write a sequel to this fanfic if it gets enough reviews. The story starts out from when Bella is sitting at First Beach, right before deciding to cliff dive in the book. I hope you enjoy it. Also a very much earned thanks to my beta Breath-of-twilight, for making each chapter even more enjoyable. =]  
**

**I'm only going to do this once for the entire story, so here it goes. DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. This all belongs to the very talented Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

  
**  
If anything happened to Jacob, it would be my fault. This realization stabbed right into the deepest, darkest part of my stomach. I really need to find a distraction before I go crazy with worry, wondering where he is.

A brilliant idea suddenly came to me, _cliff diving!_ I could go cliff diving, it would be the  
greatest distraction. It had also been a while since I had heard _him_... his voice in my head. Just the mere thought of hearing him, caring about me again, had me racing back up the lane to Billy's house where my truck waited. I hastily reached for the driver's side, when I heard a familiar, husky  
voice.

_"Bells, where are you going? You can't leave, we just found a fresh trail this morning. It's too dangerous for you to be out there alone,"_ Jacob bellowed. No doubt, questioning my sanity.

I looked up to face him, and something changed. When my eyes met his, it was like the floodgate to my emotions broke open. I smiled.

Jake was my sun. My own personal sun, that had guided me out of countless days of darkness over  
the past few months, Jacob. My Jacob. It felt as if I had been hiding just how much I really felt for him, and now I was drowning in it all.

I love him.

I really, truly love him. Not as much as the love I feel for _him_... but enough to make me want to be with him and give love another chance. We could raise a family together, I never really thought that I would want kids, but now I realized that it was one of the best things I could hope for.  
_  
"Bella. Bells. Are you okay?"_ Jacob asked frantically, as he stared into my eyes, his filled with nothing but concerned worry.

It was the perfect opportunity for me to show him how I felt about him. His face was so close to mine that I could feel his warm breath tickle my cheeks every time he exhaled. I took the chance gratefully, reaching up on my tip-toes until my searching lips found his. This kiss was the perfect contrast to all of the kisses I had shared with _him_. Where they used to be cold, there was now a replacement of fierce heat. The hard structure my hands were used to was gone, only to be replaced by soft flesh and gentle caresses.

I liked this new feeling, it was comforting. But all too soon Jacob slowly pulled away from my embrace. His face showed nothing but complete confusion.

_"Bella, what...?"_

_"I love you, Jake. I don't know when I started to feel this way, but I just want you to know that I love you. I want to be with you, but please, understand that there are going to be times when I remember him and just break down. Believe me when I say, I love you so much, but I can't simply erase how I still feel about him. So that's all I have to say, and I won't be mad if you don't want to be with me anymore after everything I just told you,"_ The word vomit just poured from me as I struggled to express my feelings for him, I took a deep breath for strength, then smiled.

I studied Jacob's face as he took in my words. His head hung, as he stared at the ground. His face held no emotion, except for the same confusion that had appeared after my surprise kiss.

After a couple of minutes in silence, I began to panic. What if he had changed his mind, and didn't want  
me in that way anymore. This mere thought crushed all of my hopes. However, what I had said was true. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to be with me. I was damaged goods, after all.

I continued to stand before him, fidgeting nervously, waiting patiently for Jake's reply, though all I  
really wanted was to run far away from the humiliation that was soon to come.

Finally, Jake found his voice. "_Bella, I think I'm going to need some time to think about all of this,"_ he whispered, almost too low for me to hear.

_"That's okay, Jacob. Take your time, I understand."_ My voice breaking in all the wrong spots.

_"Bells, I'm sorry. You know damn well just how much I care about you. But I don't know if I can be with you, and never know if it's me or him that you're thinking about when we're together. Never knowing if it's actually him you see whenever we kiss. I just need to think,"_ he stammered as his eyes began to brim with unshed tears.

_"Okay, Jake. Just… please, call me when you decide."_ I couldn't force my voice to go any higher than a whisper, due to the tightness in my throat. With that, I turned and walked away, leaving it all up to destiny.

*******

Pulling into Charlie's driveway, I noticed that the cruiser wasn't parked in the street. This was a good thing. If Charlie saw me in my current state he would most definitely think that I had returned to my old zombie days. He would probably try to send me back to Renée, or worse, put me in therapy. I  
could just imagine how my first session would go.

_'So the problem is, my first true love 'who happens to thirst for human blood' and his family left me because he didn't love me anymore. Then I became best friends with a guy 'who tends to change into a werewolf whenever he gets too angry' and he wanted to be with me as more than just friends, but I  
was still too distraught about my vampire ex-boyfriend. However, now I realize that I love my werewolf best friend enough to be with him, but not enough to forget about my vampire. So I told my werewolf this, and now he's not so sure that he can be with me because of the fact that I can't seem to get  
over my vampire. So do you see the problem in all of this doctor?' _

Yeah! That would be one session he'd surely never forget.

I stepped out of my truck and into the rain, scurrying to get inside, where I would be welcomed home by the dry warmth of the house. Shutting the door behind me as I ventured inside, turning to hang my coat up in the closet, and journeying into the kitchen.

The smell of Charlie's attempt to make dinner the night before still lingered, I would never be able to look at lasagna again without becoming nauseated. I quickly cracked open a window and sprayed  
the place down with air freshener. There, much better!

After finishing up the dishes from breakfast this morning, I quickly went to the fridge and grabbed a  
slice of pizza from the night before. I made quick work of heating it up in the microwave. I didn't want to face Charlie when he came home, so I hurriedly scarfed down my meal and dashed off to my room.

There was nothing I could do to occupy my mind. I tried listening to music, e-mailing Renée, even studying for the quiz I had to take the next day in American Literature, but all failed. Beginning to feel the fatigue as a result to my long day, I decided to shower and go to bed.

***

'TINK'

_What the hell?_

'TINK...TINK...TINK'

Okay now that is annoying. I opened my eyes, sleepily.

'TINK...TINK...TINK...TINK...TINK'

Who the hell would be throwing rocks at my window at, I quickly glanced at my alarm clock… three in the morning?

Getting out of bed, I slowly walked over to where the sound was coming from. I threw open my window and stuck my head out into the night.

_"Jake. What the hell is your problem? Do you realize what time it is?"_

_"I know, Bells. I'm sorry for waking you up, but we really need to talk."_


	2. The Beginning Of Forever, Together

**Subject: When The Tide Falls - Chapter 2  
**  
My heart began to race. It felt as if a mid-summer thunderstorm was reigning chaos inside of me, taking me prisoner to its unyielding strength. I knew exactly what Jake wanted to talk about. I knew it the minute those words left his mouth. All there was left to do was hope. Hope and pray, that by some miracle Jake would say he still wanted me, even at my most vulnerable state. I couldn't bring myself to face the other outcome that may result from our conversation, it was almost as painful as thinking of _him_.

Could I make it through another episode of heartbreak, and abandonment? The answer was simple, _no_. I knew for a fact that if Jake said no, my soul would become a prisoner to my body, yet again. Hope, Bella. Hope.

_"Urm. Okay, Jake. Come on up,"_ I replied, hesitantly.

'Hope...Hope...Hope...'

When Jake made his way through my bedroom window, I felt the sudden need to sit. Silently, I moved across the room, and plopped down on the bed. Jake quickly followed suit, and placed himself down beside me. Immediately, I could feel the heat radiating off him, finding myself fighting the temptation of  
snuggling into his side.

_"Bells,"_ Jake whispered in his most husky tone, while gently placing my hand in both of his. _"I love you, so much. I can't promise that I won't be upset when you think of him, but damn it, I'm determined to make this work. I want to be with you, Bells. I'm sorry it took me all day to remember that, but I'm hoping you'll still have me."_

I sat silently, in a state of shock. I had thought I already knew what he would tell me, but ended up being dead wrong. I thought, for sure, he was going to say he was sorry and we could still be friends, but he didn't want to be with me. I've never been so happy about being wrong. I felt like jumping up and down on my bed, but I would end up waking Charlie, and Jake would probably want to rethink his decision.

A giant smile broke out across my face instead.

The next few moments happened all too fast.

Jake slowly leaned over and placed his lips upon mine, just as I had done to him earlier in the day. His lips held the same smooth, softness as that of silk. I could smell his deep woodsy aroma, along with a hint of cologne. Surprisingly, the cologne actually made him smell even better, something I would have never thought possible. His hands, twice the size of mine, gently caressed up and down my back. It was as near to perfect as I could get, considering the fact that the most perfect of kisses would always come from _him_ and never come from _him_ again.

I felt a sudden surge of heated electricity coarse through my veins, leaving me tingling from head to toe. This sensation was nothing new, I had felt it many times when I used to kiss _him._ I responded to the familiar sensation by grasping at Jacob's hair, or what little was left of it since joining the pack. Deepening our kiss to one filled with lust, as I threw my leg over his lap. Pushing myself closer, and closer to him, until there wasn't enough room for even air to pass between us.

That's when it hit me, like a ton of bricks. Jacob wasn't going to pull away, or even stop me from seducing him for that matter. I crumpled with guilt, it weighed down on me like a big grizzly bear perched on my shoulders.

How could I do this? I love Jake, but I don't think I'm ready for this big of a step in our relationship. Not so soon. There was still a possibility that he could change his mind and leave me here, just like _he _had.

I slowly pulled back from the kiss, and dismounted Jake's lap. A look of confusion crossed his face as I did this.

Agony quickly took his beautiful, brown eyes prisoner. I couldn't help but feel even more guilt being packed on, as well as immense pain for putting Jake through this. He deserved so much better, and I am determined to become that, much more whole for him. Sadly, it's not something that can simply be  
achieved overnight.

_"Bells,"_ Jake asked softly. _"What's wrong? I didn't hurt you, did I? I was trying so hard to be careful, but you sort of took me off guard there for a minute."_ Of course he thought this was because of him.

_"No, Jake,"_ I replied, gazing down at my lavender comforter. I didn't have the heart to face him.  
_  
"Well, what is it then?"_ his voice was more relieved, but there was an undercurrent of realization.

I was doing it, again. Putting him through all of this pain. I mentally berated myself. _"I'm just not ready for this, Jake."_

_"Oh,"_ was all that escaped his lips. Silently, he began making his way towards the window, in an attempt to flee. _"I knew it was just too good to be true, but that didn't stop me from hoping. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, you could love me too."_

His painful choice of words took me by surprise. He thinks that I meant I wasn't ready for us to be together. I quickly bounced out of bed, wrapping my arms around my big, strong, beautiful sun. My Jacob. _"Jake, how could you think that? Of course, I love you, silly. I meant that I'm not ready for us  
to go that far. Not yet, at least."_

My favorite smile broke out on his beautiful face. _"Really?"_ he nearly screeched. I simply moved my head up and down. _"God, I love you, Isabella Marie Swan."_

I giggled, as I was being spun in circles, still safely secure in my Jacob's arms. It was pure bliss.

_"Bells,"_ we were laying in my bed, reveling in how great it felt to finally let our emotions free, together. "Do you think this will ever get easier for you? That one day your heart might not break every time you hear_ his_ name?"

It struck me as odd, how ironic Jacob's words were. Not long ago, it had been me asking if it would ever get easier.

However, I had been worried about my heart flying out of my chest every time 'he' touched me, not it breaking into pieces.

'He' must have been an extraordinary liar, because I used to believe that 'he' really had loved me. How could I not believe in such a thing?

'He' was always so protective of me, and could barely survive a moment without me. 'He' would even sneak in through my window, just to watch me sleep.

'He' used to love it when I would talk during my deep slumbers. I just don't see how I could have been so naive, to actually believe I had a chance of being with 'him', for all of eternity.  
_  
"I don't know, Jake,"_ I managed to choke the words out through the tears threatening to fall down my cheeks at a moment's notice.

"_I just don't know."_

At that moment I felt Jake wrap his arms tightly around me, in an effort to calm me. But it was already too late, the tears streaked down to my chin. I cried my heart out, as Jacob held me together, once again. What had I ever done to deserve such a wonderful, selfless person like my Jacob?

_"It's okay, Bells,"_ Jake softly whispered into my hair. He inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of my strawberry shampoo just like 'he' used to do and love so much.  
_  
"Jake, you deserve so much better than this. I mean, just look at me, I'm a complete wreck!"_

_"Bells, do you remember the last time I saw you, before I turned?"_ I shook my head up and down once again, not able to find my voice. _"I promised you that I would always be here for you, that night. That I would never let you down, and that you could always count on me. Now, I intend on keeping that  
promise, so I guess you're just stuck with me."_ He grinned, while playfully poking me in the side. I giggled softly.

Jake stayed with me through the entire night, holding me closely. His light snoring may have irritated others, but to me it was like a calming breeze that ushered me to sleep. I slept better than I had in months, with no horrific nightmares. It was perfect. This was the beginning of me and my Jacob's  
forever, together.


	3. Life, hope, meaning gone

**AN:**This chapter is a lot longer than the rest, and is the true beginning of my story plot. Everything is starting to unfold. I want to give another special thanks to my Beta, Breath-of-twilight. She really did an amazing job with not only this chapter, but all of the others, too. I can't wait to find out what you think of the turn of events. Be sure to leave reviews so I know how I'm doing. =]

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I awoke to the sun shining through my bedroom window. Today would be the start of my new life, a life without _him_. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to feel remorse for thinking this. I had already been through enough emotional pain to last for a lifetime, and it was time to stop living in the past. Yes, they may have been the best days of my entire life, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I have to break myself down every time I think about them. I was turning over a new leaf; I would learn to rejoice in the fact that I had been blessed with such an angelic creature for even such a short period of time.

I slowly stretched, flipping my entire body around to face the left side of my bed. I smiled. Jacob was no longer there, but his scent still lingered on my sheets. A delightful aroma which consisted of snow-covered pine, cedar, and a hint of sandalwood. Very outdoorsy.

I hadn't known what to think about Jacob staying over, at first. After all, the only other person who had ever spent any long amount of time in my room before had been _him_. But I, all too soon, forgot any worry I had once Jacob securely wrapped his arms around me, gently whispering good night in my ear with his all too alluring husky voice. It was a joyous thing, having Jacob here. I didn't have any nightmares, which struck me as being very odd. I hadn't slept so peacefully since _he_ had left.

I was immediately pulled out of my stupor, as the smell of pancakes assaulted my nostrils. Shit! Charlie can't cook to save his life. I jumped out of bed in a great haste, determined on saving the house from being burnt to the ground. I quickly jerked open my door, took the stairs two at a time (hoping on everything that I wouldn't trip and roll down them!) and rounded the corner into the kitchen. The sight I took in froze me on the spot, this could not be happening. Jacob was standing in front of the stove, with his back facing me, flipping a pancake into the air before catching it back in the pan. I smiled at this, but what really had my mind reeling was the fact that Charlie too was in the kitchen and surprisingly not looking completely pissed.

Charlie sat silently at the kitchen table. Silently reading the daily newspaper, while sipping from his coffee mug. This could absolutely not be happening to me. Oh, God, why me? I couldn't help but internally moan. At least they hadn't noticed me frozen in the doorway, with a look of, well honestly I have no clue what my face might even look like in a moment like this. Charlie had to know that Jake spent the night, so why was he so calm. I would expect him to go straight for the kill; he didn't even look like it bothered him the tiniest bit. Still, I found it hard to move, like my feet were made of sand.

"_Hey, Bells,"_ Charlie greeted me cheerfully, finally noticing my still form. _"Is everything all right?"_

"_Urm. Yeah, dad, everything's fine."_ I was still dumbfounded, which resulted in my statement coming out as a question.

"_That's great."_ He smiled genuinely, before turning his attention back to the newspaper he had been reading.

"_Breakfast is served,"_ Jacob announced proudly, carrying a platter of pancakes to the table where Charlie sat.

"_You really didn't have to do this Jacob."_ Charlie stated as he began to pile pancakes onto the plate in front of him, then reached for the syrup.

"_S' okay, Charlie. I would rather cook my own food, than end up with food poisoning from eating yours any day."_ Jacob joked, as he walked to the fridge and retrieved a carton of orange juice.

"_Good morning, Bells."_ Jacob chimed, as he passed me on his way towards the table again. He sat down across from Charlie, and began to fix his plate as well.

"_Don't you want to eat, Bells?"_ Charlie asked, being polite. _"Jacob, you can really cook. Maybe you should replace Bella." _Charlie teased.

This just all seemed so surreal to me. Having Jacob here in my kitchen, eating breakfast with Charlie. All the while, both of them cracking jokes. I quickly reached down and pinched myself before either of them could notice. Ouch. Nope, definitely not dreaming. Too bad, that was my only reasonable explanation. I guess I'll just have to settle with an alien invasion.

I slowly made my way towards the table, unable to move at a reasonable pace. Soundlessly, I sat in the chair next to Charlie. I decided to give Jacob's cooking a try, pulling two fluffy pancakes off of the platter placed in the middle of the table. I drenched them with maple syrup, then picked up my fork and placed a portion of the concoction into my mouth. I chewed cautiously, not wanting to be taken off guard if it turned out to be horrible. It wasn't.

"_Well, Bells, Jacob, I should get going. Don't want to be late for work_." Charlie stood, saying his goodbyes, before walking out of the kitchen. I didn't speak until I heard his cruiser pull out of the driveway.

"_Does Charlie know about you staying with me last night?"_ I questioned Jake, frantically.

"_Relax, Bells,"_ he chuckled, completely at ease. _"What do you think I am, stupid?"_

I rolled my eyes, _"That depends."_ Depends on if you happened to let Charlie figure out that you slept in my bed with me last night, I thought to myself.

"_Charlie doesn't know a thing. I climbed out of your window early this morning, and knocked on the door. He was really surprised to see me so early, and even more so when I suggested on making breakfast. I really just wanted to be nice and surprise you with pancakes when you woke up, though."_

"_Thanks, Jake. You didn't have to; I could have grabbed a pop-tart. But it was still sweet, none the less."_ I blushed crimson, and slightly ducked my head. No sooner had I done this than I felt fingers caress along my jaw line, gently tugging upwards. Glancing up, I was met by a set of perfectly flawed, warm lips. I could really get used to this. Sadly, it ended all too soon for my liking.

"_You're irresistible when you do that."_ Jacob breathed.

"_Do what?"_ I couldn't think of any characteristic of mine that would be defined as the least bit of irresistible.

"_When you blush. It's like your face is being flushed with all the things you can't seem to find the right way of saying. It's simply irresistible."_ I swooned, as he smiled into my collarbone. He gently placed a kiss in the exact same spot, and I would have toppled over if not for my strong hold on the table's edge.

"_So...What do you have planned for today?"_ I rasped, desperately trying to take my mind off of the fact that his lips were just inches away. I didn't want this to only be physical, though I know me and Jake definitely have enough emotions towards each other to make it work either way.

"_Well, I thought that maybe we could go down to the bonfire the pack is having tonight."_ That sounded harmless enough.



I had grown to think of La Push as my home away from home. It was a quaint little place that I had come to love over the passing months since _he_ had left me.

I stared, contently, out the window of Jacob's rabbit as he raced past the trees which lined the road. We were going to one of the pack's bonfires. I've never been to one, but from Jake's enthusiasm I can only suspect it will be enjoyable. Before we left Charlie's, Jake had informed me that there were three new additions to the pack. One was Quil, an old friend of Jacob and Embry's. I had met him a couple times; he was a really nice person with a great sense of humor. The last time I had seen him he had been really depressed though, he was out of the loop on the secret that is the pack. I felt a surge of happiness that he now knew why Jacob and Embry had ignored him for all those weeks.

The other two newcomers were Seth and Leah Clearwater. Charlie's old friend Harry Clearwater's kids. I didn't really know either of them, but had met them both a few times as well. Seth had always looked up to Jake, and now he was like him, a protector for his tribe.

I broke out of my reverie, as Jake pulled the car to a stop. We were parked at the beach's edge, overlooking the celebration unfolding before us. Everyone looked like they were simply high on life itself.

"_Well, are we going to just sit here all night, or are we going to get down there and have some fun?"_ Jake questioned, teasingly. I realized that I had sat staring for a little longer than I should.

"_Oh, sorry! Let's go."_ Jake was out of the door in record speed, darting to my side to help me out.

First Beach was even more breathtaking at night. The flames from the bonfire cascaded off the ocean's crashing waves, making it appear as a teal color. Along with the soothing whooshing sound that the tide made when colliding with the rocks on the shore. Laughter filled the crisp, sea-breeze air, lightening the atmosphere. Not a soul here was exempt from the all too contagious case of smiles and giggles, including Jacob and myself.

I followed close behind as Jacob made his way through the joyous bodies towards Quil, whom seemed ecstatic might I add. Who could blame him, though? I couldn't deny the fact that I would be floating on cloud nine if I had the chance to see my eccentric pixie-like best friend, even if for just once more. So, I of all people could understand just how grateful Quil was at the moment.

"_Hey, Jake. Bells."_ Quil beamed, looking up from the fire in which he had his hot dog roasted away in.

"_Hey, man. So where's Embry?"_ Jake greeted him. He began to search from one side of the party to the other, with no success.

"_He just took off to go on a run. Leah sorta got to him, she's been drinking ever since she first got here. So take my advice, and steer clear of that minefield."_ Embry cautioned, while shaking his head disapprovingly.

"_Thanks, for the heads up."_ Jake groaned. _"Hopefully she'll crawl into a corner for the rest of the night. I don't think I can take any more of her shit, especially after having to listen to all of her problems earlier."_

"_What are friends for?"_ Quil playfully reached over, punching Jake in the arm. His reaction when he looked back towards the fire startled me. _"Shit!"_ he howled_. "I burnt my fucking food. Damn it, now I have to pass Leah again on my way to the cooler for more. Hopefully she won't be there anymore."_

Quil took the burnt food, if you could still call it that, from the end of his stick and threw it into the flames. He groaned as he stood, beginning his oh-so-dreaded walk to the cooler across the beach.

"_Would you be alright if I went to find Embry?"_ Jacob turned to ask me as soon as Quil had disappeared out of our sight.

"_Yeah, I'll be fine. You go ahead."_ I didn't necessarily want Jake to leave me, even if for such a short amount of time, but sucked it up for Embry's sake.

"_Thanks, Bells. I'll be right back."_ He leaned down, gently kissing the top of my head, before sprinting towards the surrounding forest.

I sat on the piece of driftwood Quil had occupied moments earlier, staring out at the beautiful view that spanned before me. That's when I felt it. A little tap on my shoulder. I knew automatically that it wasn't any of the boys, because the fingers were too skinny, delicate.

I turned slowly, anticipating the worse. Thinking Victoria would be glaring down at me, that familiar smirk which had starred in my every nightmare glued to her feline face. But when I chanced a glance up I was greeted by a much more gentle face, Leah Clearwater. I was too relieved to remember Quil's warnings.

"_Oh. Hey, Leah."_ I greeted her simply, smiling kindly. The returning smile, however, was anything but friendly.

"_Bella."_ she nearly spat.

"_I was just waiting for Jake to come back. He went to look for Embry."_ I stated, not knowing what else to say.

"_Oh, really. How do you know that he's even coming back? After all, nobody wants a leech lover. Oh, wait. You traded in, scooped yourself up some werewolf. So how is that going? I mean you can't possibly feel comfortable, or even secure for that matter, knowing that one day he'll leave you too. It is set in stone after all. Jacob will imprint on some girl from the reservation, and then just forget everything he ever felt about you,"_ Leah smirked then continued on with her taunting. _"You couldn't have honestly believed that he was any different from your bloodsucker. They're all the same, no matter the species. So maybe you should just get out while you still can and go back to your normal, idiotic, human life."_

Tears began to pool in my eyes. I couldn't let them brim over just yet, though, so I pushed them back. I had to get away from this place, away from Leah, away from all the hurtful, yet true, things she had just snarled at me. So I did the only thing I could think of doing. I grabbed my Jacket and ran. Ran from the past, ran from the present, and most of all I ran from the future.



I could finally see Charlie's house in the distance. Every light in the house was out except for one, the porch light. I had nearly collapsed three times on my mad run home, but I hadn't cared. I could only think of one thing, Leah's words. They replayed over and over in my head, even as I entered the house and tip-toed upstairs. As soon as I made it to my room, I felt myself sway, then collapse onto my bed. I could feel myself falling into the blackness; it surrounded me, blurring my vision. And then it was all gone. Life, hope, meaning...gone. Yet again.


	4. I Was A MONSTER!

**AN: Sorry it has been so long since I last updated, things have been kinda hectic with schoolwork and all. Also there is a Halloween countdown I wrote a story for, which my beta Breath-of-twilight started, and it would be great if you all could check it out. It is a collection of one-shots, which will be uploaded one per day starting October 1st, and there will be a mass collab at the end of the countdown. The link is .net/s/5325698/1/ , or you can go to my profile and find it there. The title is Countdown to Halloween One Horney Hallow's Eve! Thanks so much.  


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Dreams had become a thing so frequent, unpleasantly so, to me in the months since he had left. I had come to expect them by now. They usually consisted of meaningless running. Running after the most precious thing which I would never obtain. But tonight as the images began to come together, forming the all-too-familiar scene, they quickly dissipated. At first my subconscious mind was grateful, I would have another peaceful night's rest, even without Jacob by my side. But just as I began to bask in this fantasy, I was assaulted with another scene. A nightmare all of its own.

It was similar in many ways to the dream I always had of Edward. I was at First Beach in La Push, staring out at the ocean's tide. I felt a sudden urge to turn my head, as I did I was greeted by a smiling Jacob. My Jacob. I could feel the love and adoration swell inside of me as he opened his arms, awaiting the arrival of my body pressed closely to his own. As I began to walk towards him, I noticed the distance between us wasn't growing any shorter. Either I wasn't moving, or he was slipping further away. The sudden déjà vu angered me to no end.

I began a sprint, but still failed at closing the distance. Aggravated, I pushed myself harder, and harder. I could feel the sweat trickle down from my forehead, across my cheeks, and fall from my chin onto my shirt. Exhaustion quickly overcame me and just as I started to lose hope in achieving my goal, a gentle breeze swathed my then drenched face.

Horror struck me as I watched a very average sized girl run towards my Jacob. Mine. My chest constricted painfully as she rose up on tip-toes and wrapped her slender arms around his neck. He looked down upon her with the most awestruck look in his glistening brown eyes, before gently placing an adoring kiss upon the top of her head. She melted into his arms.

I knew at that moment...Knew that the girl I envied in my dream was the one thing Jacob could never live without. She was Jacob's, Edward. The missing piece of this puzzle called life, though she was never lost.

Jake had been destined to be with her, even before he learned of the agonizing imprint legends. He may not agree with them now, but I couldn't fool myself. I knew that as soon as he found her, the one. His opinion on the whole thing would change dramatically. She would become his drug. His own personal Heroine. Even in my unconscious state, my heart skipped a beat at the thought of that particular phrase.

I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock screeching in my ears, menacingly. I had forgotten completely to turn it off the night before, due to my lack of mental capability. I doubt I would have even been able to untie my shoe laces, given the state I was in. My mind slowly wandered back to my dream of Jacob. Forcing me to rethink my every decision from the past few days. Maybe it had been a mistake to get involved with Jake on a more intimate level. I was only setting myself up for heartache once again, after all. Leah's words swirled through my mind, cluttering my thoughts into incoherency.

I couldn't take it, my mind felt as if it were going to combust at any given moment. A shower sounded like a much needed escape, I could already imagine how much more relaxed I would feel afterwards. Slithering out of bed, I made a mental note to take an aspirin after my shower to dull the throbbing ache in my head. Once I stepped foot out the door I noticed I had forgotten to grab a change of clothes, but decided a shower was in higher priority and I could just cover myself with a towel on the walk back. Stumbling slightly, I made my way to the community bathroom at the end of the hall, shredding my clothing as soon as my feet connected with the cold linoleum tiles.

I was vaguely aware that I hadn't bothered to change my clothes the night before, which only added to my desire of taking a shower. Every muscle in my body eased as the steaming hot water cascaded around me, steam surrounding me and causing even my throbbing heart to lessen on the pain scale. My mind became clearer, which made this the perfect opportunity to decipher how Leah's harsh words, and my dream, would affect my relationship with Jacob.

Mindlessly, I retrieved my strawberry shampoo from the shower caddy, and began to lather it into my hair.

What if I do let this go on and Jake imprints on some random girl, what then? How would I pick up the pieces of my shattered being this time? When I wouldn't have my sun, my Jacob, there to help me. I couldn't, it would be impossible to face that again, not having anyone besides Charlie there to watch me slowly decay into nothingness. If I voiced these concerns to Jake he would tell me I had nothing to worry about, that I was just being paranoid. He would say no legends about unbreakable love were going to keep him from the only person he truly wanted, that even if it did happen he would just simply ignore it.

Sam, Emily, and Leah are a perfect example of the aftermaths which come with imprinting. Sam and Leah were high school sweethearts and head-over-heels in love with each other, until Sam phased for the first time and Leah's cousin Emily visited. One look was all it took, and Leah had nothing more to offer Sam. He simply couldn't return her love anymore. The sad thing is, the flame didn't burn out, it was forced out by a tsunami.

Now that I can think clearly, I don't think Leah's true intentions were cruel at all. It was simply the matter being discussed which was heinous, and repulsive. The down pour of water above me suddenly felt icy. Shivering, I stepped out of the shower and quickly wrapped up in my warm towel. Walking through the hallway something felt...off, I couldn't quite put my finger on it though. It's absurd to feel so paranoid, but I guess that's what I get for living in a world filled with mystical creatures.

Just as I was nearing my bedroom door, I felt a pair of strong arms wrap tightly around my torso. I could feel every ounce of air escape from my lungs before I even had the chance to scream. Shit, was I in trouble. The only thing I could possibly do to save myself from whichever monster it was that decided to kill me today, and I wasn't even capable of it anymore. I mentally cursed myself for not at least attempting to lock the front door. Wait, did they just sniff my hair?

"Jake?" I sputtered, hardly loud enough for even me to hear.

"Who else would it be?" he teased.

"Ugh, I think I might have forgotten to breathe there for a minute," I confessed, wiggling free from his strong hold so that I could turn to face him.

"I just wanted to stop by and check on you," his words were filled with sincerity. "I wasn't sure what happened to you last night, you scared the shit out of me just running off like that. You could have at least told someone to let me know that you had left to go home. I was going crazy half the night, running every route possible through Forks and La Push to find you."

I felt extremely guilty in that moment, as I gazed into Jake's caring eyes. He had been worried sick about me all night, and where was I? Running scared, that's where. I didn't deserve him.

I had done everything wrong in life, and not one thing right. He didn't deserve me, he didn't deserve this...this thing we call a relationship. He deserved so much better, someone who can love him without holding back. Someone who wasn't tainted by grievance and betrayal. He deserved to be set free, the chance to meet the one person who would never hold back, never wonder, and never say never. My Jacob Black deserved his imprint.

That aching hole began to grow, flames licking around the edges, while salt was being poured onto the old wound that had never truly healed.

"What is it Bella?" Jake grabbed my cheeks in his soft, warm hands. "What's wrong?"

_Pain. Immense pain, devouring me whole from the inside out. _

"Jake," I rasped, my throat dry all of a sudden. "You have to go."

"No, I don't." he reasoned, smirking. "Sam let me have the day off so I could spend it with you." He slowly bent down and placed the most, tender, loving, and yet excited, kiss upon my frozen lips.

_Pain. More pain, burning._

"That's not what I meant, Jake." I could feel the tears begin to brim around my eyes.

Why did I have to do this to him? I could have just kept my mouth shut the other day, could have never kissed him...things would be so much simpler then. But I hadn't and there was no time for 'what ifs', as I stood in front of the sweetest, most deserving person I would ever know. I had to do this, give him the chance to find his peace in life, with her. I knew that whoever she turned out to be, she would be better for him than me.

"I meant that we just can't do this anymore." I croaked, a lone tear slithering its way down my left cheek. "Jake, you have to leave me. Starting this relationship was a really selfish thing for me to do, and I can't ignore that fact after the light Leah shined on it last night."

He stared at me quizzically for a moment, before his features turned to sheer agony. Surprise overtook me when only seconds later his face contorted into pure hatred. Could what I had done been so wretched that he would now hate me so much? _Yes._ Yes, it could. I had been extremely selfish and it was now costing the both of us.

"That bitch! What did she say, Bella? I swear, whatever it was, it was all just a load of nonsense." Jake jumped at the opportunity of pointing the blame at Leah.

"It's not Leah's fault, Jake. This just isn't a healthy relationship. We both know that in the end someone is going to get hurt." I explained.

"No, Bella. We can make this work. We can be happy together, I promise. Just please forget whatever it is that Leah said." Jake continued to plead.

There was no way Jake was going to let go, not now that he knew he had a shot with me. I was going to have to do something I would never have imagined myself doing to Jake. Something heart-wrenching. God, please forgive me.

"Jake, I'm breaking up with you," I stated. As I stared down to the hardwood floor, my teeth were ground together to keep from falling apart right then and there. "It's over."

"Bella?" I could hear the pain ringing loud and clear in Jake's voice, and it angered me to no end.

I hated myself for doing this to him, and even more for doing what I now had to so that he would leave. "Leave, Jake," I rasped. "Just go."

Moments passed before I heard the sound of trudging footsteps. I couldn't even force myself to take a glance at the boy I had grown to know and love's retreating form. I heard the front door close, and my feet fell out from underneath me. My forehead was now pressed to the wooden floor, as I brought my knees to my chest and screamed with every ounce of air I had retained.

I WAS A _MONSTER._


	5. The End

**AN: Hey everybody. *Squeals, and dodges forcefully thrown objects.* I know I have been MIA for far, far, far, too long. I am extremely sorry, like no one can even imagine how sorry I am. I've been really busy lately with school, babysitting, and well life in general. I haven't had the best past two weeks. I made a new discovery that kind of seems unfair to me, I have Social Anxiety Disorder, and I didn't figure it out until last week when the symptoms started getting extreme. I hate it. I feel like a loner, when all I really want is to be able to actually hang out and talk to new people without nearly passing out. Enough about me though. So here's the new chapter. It's sort of a filler, but I promise to get the next one up faster than this one.

* * *

**

It felt as if it had been years since the last time I had seen Jacob Black, but it had only been a mere three days. The whole in my chest, which had never actually left, was now squared to the fiftieth power. Even now, as I sit here in Biology, I can't seem to comprehend how I am still able to keep breathing, keep moving from class to class, and keep on living. The latter is the one that stumps me every time I try to think it through. Don't get me wrong though. It feels as if I am one of the walking dead among the living; but somehow I keep up with everyday life. I don't smile, but I speak when spoken to. I don't hang out with friends, but I make my appearance at lunch instead of hiding in the bathroom stalls. I don't do anything of these things happily or with a conscious mind, but I do them none-the-less.

The night of the break-up was the worst I had experienced since I started spending time with Jacob. Nightmares assaulted my unconscious being, one after the other, back to back; waking up was not an option. I had longed for the reassuring warmth of my sun; the lingering scent of deep woods that somehow seeped through his being. My pillows were thoroughly soaked when I had awoken the next morning-cotton mouthed and bleary eyed.

Every part of my being began a riot within me that morning. _Just call him. You know you can't make it through something like this again. There is no reason to put yourself through this when you know he would love you more than life itself. Has he not proved that to you over these past months?_ My heart wouldn't contend with my decision. But I had to keep my word. I had to give Jacob his chance at finding the one who was meant for him, and that was not me. No one in this entire world could understand how hard it had been to admit that simple statement to myself-how devastatingly heart-wrenching.

_Brrrriiiiiiinnngggg._

The school bell signaled the final change of classes for the day; another day coming to an end. I quickly gathered my books, attempting a mad dash for the door, only to be halted dead in my tracks by Mr. Varner's tenor voice. It wasn't exactly husky like Jake's, or velvety smooth like _his_; instead it was caught somewhere in between.

"Miss. Swan, may I have a word with you?"Those were the words every student dreaded hearing from their teachers.

Warily, I backtracked toward Mr. Varner's desk. He sat behind the cheap oak contraption, twirling a pen through the fingers of his right hand. The expression he wore made it impossible to miss what he most likely would be discussing with me today; my lack of attention in the classroom. This wasn't an entirely new topic for me, I had been subjected to long conversations about it shortly after _he_ had left me, but it had been a while since the last time it had come up. Now with Jacob gone too, the 'pay attention' topic was coming back to bite me in the rear.

"What is it Mr. Varner?" I questioned, as if I didn't already know.

"Bella, I've noticed that you haven't been paying attention in class over the past few days. I know this was a problem we had addressed a few months back, but I thought we had handled it; that everything would be fine from there on out. Now I see that you are returning to that old habit, and I just need to know that you will be willing to pull out of it before it turns into a replay of the past. Can you promise me that Bella?"His eyes held nothing but sympathy as they stared into mine, searching. Every teacher I had knew the reason I had been in such a state of unawareness those few months ago was because of their missing honor student; my runaway pagan God.

I stared straight back at him with as much sincerity that I could convey in my current state. "Sure thing, Mr. Varner."

And with that I turned back around, walked out the classroom door and headed to my last period for the day-gym.

I could feel the eyes burning into my back as I walked through the hallways of good ol' Forks High, but as I looked ahead everyone seemed uncoordinatedly occupied. It felt as if I had turned back the pages in the history book that is my life, reliving my zombie days all over again. I hated it. Hated it with such a passion no one would ever be remotely able to compare to. _What have I done to myself?_ I found myself wondering for the thousandth time since the fall out with Jake. That night seems to be the only thing I can think of lately, besides the other unmentionable person from my mystical past.

I just wish I could crawl into a hole and see only blackness, think only blackness; day in and day out. What an odd thing for an eighteen year old girl to wish for, but I suppose I never really had fit into the normal adolescent scene; vampires, werewolves, and what not.

The doors to the gymnasium felt unusually heavy as I pushed through them, like they were willing me to just turn around and leave; run from this hellish place to somewhere I could consider a safe haven. _If only one of those existed to me_, I thought grudgingly.

Mike was standing off to the far side of the gym, leaning against the wall next to the girls' locker room. I tried to walk with a steady pace, the door next to him my target, but ended up moving slower than a slug as was usual from me over these past few days. The door was finally becoming closer, but so was Mike. I felt myself internally groan as he began to speak to me, just like I had hoped he wouldn't.

"Hey, Bella."His tone was cautious, as if I were some kind of walking, ticking, time bomb. "Is everything alright?"

I looked up at Mike for the first time in the past few days. His face was much more defined than it had been last year, but it still held that odd childlike look. How could he ask me if I'm alright? Even I know that alright is the last thing I look like. I had barely found the energy to get ready for the day this morning, just throwing on some sweatpants, and pulling my messy mop of hair into a tight bun at the nape of my neck. I looked like hell on legs.

"I can't really talk right now, Mike." I recited in a monotone. "I have to go get changed for class before the late bell rings."Those were the most words that I had spoken in three entire days.

I stared down at the glossy gym floor as I walked into the girls' locker room, before it disappeared and white tiles took its place. Lauren Mallory was standing off to the side of the room, with her back facing me and two other girls on each side of her. They were in mid-conversation, and from what I could tell, it happened to revolve around me.

"Edward…"I cringed at the name, but the next spoken words kept my feet glued to the floor._"_Leaves and she goes into some suicidal wannabe state until she started hanging out with that kid from the reservation. Then out of nowhere she goes right back to that same idiotic mummy walk. She just doesn't know how to keep a relationship. I mean, if it was me, I wouldn't have had to worry about losing either of them." Her nasally voice was like fingernails on a chalkboard as I took in her words.

Lauren's words sparked fire into my veins. Even with my hatred of violence of any sort, I found myself wanting to slap her square across the face. _He_ would never even think of being with someone as self-absorbed as her, how dare she? She didn't know him at all, and I did. And it was me that ended things with Jacob, not the other way around. But I didn't owe anyone an explanation, I reminded myself.

"Yeah," the short girl with burgundy hair clear down her back recited. "Why would either of them want her anyways? She's just so plain. There is nothing interesting about her whatsoever, I should know I have third period Trig with her; she sits right in front of me."

Really, you have got to be kidding me. What is so wrong with these girls, that they could possibly think they know anything about me just because we happen to share one class? I had enough, and began walking towards the shower stalls where I could change without having to hear anymore crap about me, or Jake, or even _him_ for that matter. But once I got there, something took away my will. I didn't want to go out there and be tortured by Lauren's cold glares and supposed all-knowing eyes, or the physical beat-down my body would receive from today's game of volleyball. So, I simply sat down and stared at the tiled wall in front of me. My mind completely shut down, and I found it peaceful to not have thoughts running wild for once. I enjoyed every blurring minute of it.

Soon I could hear the distinct sound of sneakers scraping across cement and knew class was over. I gathered my things and ran out of the locker room, through the gym doors, down the halls, and out into the parking lot; never looking back. I hated this place. Once in the safety of my truck, I put the key in the engine and pulled out, tires squealing all the while. I knew it wasn't that good of an idea to put the engine through so much speed, but I couldn't find the energy to care. I needed to hear _his _voice again, and this was one sure fire way to do it.

I was pushing a few notches over eighty; driving recklessly through stop signs, red lights, you name it I was accomplishing it. It wasn't until I was nearing a flashing railroad sign, maybe 30 feet away when I heard it. The voice I could only dream about, but still could never quite get it perfect in quality. _Bella, this is absurd. Stop the truck now, right now! You're not in your right state of mind, don't do this, Bella. Think of Charlie, please… _

He was right; I was anywhere but in the right state of mind. But I still couldn't find the energy to care. I wanted to be with him so badly, but knew it was a wasted dream; never to come true. I was a burden to everyone. Jacob is better off now, and soon Charlie will be too. Sure, he will grieve for a time, but I know that deep down he will be somewhat relieved that he no longer has to witness my constant wallowing. Charlie will thank me one day. Soon it will all be over. "I love you, Edward; always." It was all there was left to say.

I closed my eyes and could hear the train coming up-gaining faster. Confusion overcame me and my smile dissipated moments later when the train couldn't be heard anymore. I was sitting directly in front of the tracks, mere inches from them, but not on them. What had happened? The car was no longer running, and when I attempted to crank it, the engine would not turn. It had died from the amount of speed I had put it through and I found myself angry. Would I ever be able to escape this hell that is my life? I knew the answer immediately. No, not as long as _he _walked this earth. I would be forced to live eternity without the one I love, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.


	6. AN: Never Thought It Would All Dissapear

**AN: I am currently working on the next chapter and hope to have it up by Sunday night, which is much sooner than I usually post chapters. But I recently came across a little thing that I thought was awesome. Here it is:**

**You're a 90's kid if:**

You can finish this [ice ice baby ]

You remember watching:  
-Doug  
-Ren & Stimpy  
-Pinky and the Brain  
-AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!  
-Rockos modern Life.

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."

You remember:  
-TGIF  
-Step by Step  
-Family Matters  
-Dinosaurs  
-Boy Meets World.

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early  
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You still get the urge to say "**NOT**" after (almost) every sentence . . . not

**when everyhting was settled by**:  
-rock paper scissors or  
-bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or  
-daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.

when cops and robbers was a daily activity.

when we played Hide and go seek until our legs grew numb.

when we used to obey our parents

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your **FAVORITE** song of ALL time.

"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet. He's a Hero.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together. ???

You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.

You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

You remember watching:  
-The Magic School Bus  
-Wishbone  
-Reading Rainbow on PBS.

You remember when Yo-Yos were **cool**.

You remember those **Where's Waldo** books.

You remember eating Warheads.

You remember watching:  
-the 1st Batman  
-Aladdin  
-Ninja Turtles  
-3 Ninjas movies.

You remember Ring Pops.

You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.

If you remember when every thing was "**da BOMB**!"

When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza **AND** tacos.

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.

Making those little paper fortune cookie things, and then predicting your life with them.

You played and/or collected "Pogs" :)

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.

. . . Furbies.

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.

And Windows 95 was the best.

You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.

Michael Jordan was a king.

YIKES pencils and erasers were the shit!

All your school supplies were "**Lisa Frank**" brand.

You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out

You collected those Beanie Babies.

Carebears

Gak was the coolest stuff invented.

Lambchop's song never ended.

The old dollar bills.

Silver dollars, which were cool to have.

You remember a time before the WB.

You collected all the Troll dolls

If you even know what an original walkman is.

You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You went to McDonald's to play in the **playplace**.

You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.

Before the MySpace frenzy . . .

Before the Internet & text messaging . . .

Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .

Before MIKE JONES . . .

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .

Before Spongebob . . .

Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

When **light up sneakers** were cool.

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded  
stuff on VCRs.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off of our walkman.

When checking out drawing books and that one book about the rainbow fish from the library was THE cool thing to do.  
**  
You had slap braclets!**

_**Way back.**_

Before we realized all this would eventually _**disappear.**_  
**  
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!**

******And it is so true, I never once thought all of it would disappear. Now we're stuck with Dora, who encourages kids to approach and rescue alligators. Can you say DANGEROUS!!! I miss the 90's =[  
**


	7. Broken Silence

Months had passed, I hadn't bothered to count how many, it all seemed too pointless to me. I felt as if I should be fairly aged by now, how long ago it seemed that my life had took a pivoted turn once again. Wake, shower, school, home, fix supper, homework, sleep, repeat. My life had a daily schedule I dared never to break. Weekends had proven to be the worst. Charlie would leave to go fishing with Billy, as he usually did, and I would be left with an empty house; a subtle reminder of my empty life. I try to think what might have been if I hadn't requested so unselfishly to move to Forks, but every time I was brought to the heart wrenching conclusion that if I had not then I would never have met _him; _my angel.

This time, my depressed stage was even worse. Not only had I lost that perfect being, but also my best friend; my Jacob. How could I have been so naïve as to think we might have a chance, so selfish to put him through pain? Tears brimmed my already irritated eyes. This room was nothing but a reminder of what was, just like this whole town. The memories weighed down on me from every side, suffocating me with despair.

My room was silent, save the catching of my breath in broken half-sobs. I didn't want to look over at the nightstand, but the red glowing numbers on the alarm clock beckoned me, promising more anguishing heart ache. It was 2:55 in the afternoon, five more minutes and the phone would ring just like it did everyday. I had come to hate that particular time of day more than any other. The phone would always taunt me, chiding for me to pick it up, to ease my self-inflicted pain; I never did. It would ring, and ring, and then ring some more, before the caller finally gave up and decided to wait for the next day to repeat the wasted attempt. Charlie had answered it once, a few days after the calls started. He didn't understand my decision, why I had acted so childish to someone I had come to love as he put it, but I don't blame him. He doesn't know the true motives behind my choices, the truth about Jacob Black.

The notion that I haven't showered since Friday morning passed through my mind, it now being Sunday afternoon. My body felt incredibly filthy, almost as if I had been playing in a puddle of oil. I had two choices; either I could sit here and wait for inevitable heart ache when the phone began to ring, or I could drown out the sound while cleansing myself in the shower. I chose the latter.

With every ounce of energy I could conjure, I padded down the hallway; bare feet to hardwood. The bathroom was quiet and vacant, just like the rest of the house; a reminder of how alone I am and always will be. I set the water to the hottest temperature possible, without it being hot enough to scald me. Stripping out of the pajamas I had cowered in all weekend, I took all precautions as to not look at myself in the mirror for fear of the reflection I would inevitably see staring back at me. The water cascaded down upon me as I stepped into the already steaming shower and my muscles infinitely relaxed. I didn't dare to move; for fear that this new found comfort might slip away, just stood below the shower head and stared at the tiled shower wall. The water temperature slowly began to drop, so I decided now was the time to come out of my stupor. I lathered my hair with shampoo and methodically rinsed it out before repeating the process with conditioner. After pondering the thought for a moment, I decided to shave tomorrow, and quickly ran the sudsy cloth over every inch of my body.

The floor was cold as I stepped barefoot out of the shower, the house still as quiet as before; nothing had changed. I pulled two towels out of the linen closet, wrapping one around me and twisting the other around my sopping wet hair. The phone rang, piercing the dead silence, and my heart dropped to the floor between my feet. Tears began to stir in my eyes, my throat felt like it was filled with cotton balls, and that horrendous hole burned like acid in my chest. Why was he doing this to me? Why was I doing this to him? Those were two very good questions that would inevitably remain unanswered.

I crept slowly towards my room, reaching for the door knob as the intense ringing stopped, leaving the house in deafening silence once again. Reminders filling each jagged breath my body expelled. My dresser drawers were still left open from the last time I had rummaged through them; I pulled out a pair of sweats and a simple black tee before slamming them shut. My emotions were all over the place, they reminded me sadly of a Richter scale; anger, hurt, and disappointment combining to make a lethal combination. I took a much needed breath and began to dry off.

Shirt over head; _Him. _The pain is nearly unbearable when I think of that day in the woods, the day he told me he was leaving Forks and I wasn't coming with him, so I try desperately not to replay it. It remains locked up tight in the black whole that is my heart, way at the bottom of the treacherous abyss. But the one thing that hurts the most is relishing in the memories of a time when he still loved me, so those remain inaccessible also.

Pants pulled into place; Jacob. It doesn't escape my notice that I am still able to think his name, unlike the endless limitations I put on my memories of _him._ I didn't want to hurt Jacob; that was never my intention. It's just that he is so damn stubborn and refused to see the destiny laid out in plain sight for him, I refused to be the one to take that away. He deserves the chance to find the one he's meant for, and it is not me. I've already found my one and only, only to be thrown back into the seas like an unwanted bass; there would never be another for me.

Unwrap hair and mechanically begin to towel dry it; visions of my stupid near-death experience a few months back. I must have been completely brain-dead in the moment I had decided to run into the path of an oncoming train. What would it have done to Charlie? I don't want him to be all alone again; aside from me he has nothing but his work to accompany him. Then there's Jacob, did I really want to hurt him more than I already have? I pushed the thoughts aside, shoved them under a mental rug to examine later.

I pulled my hair back into a loose, messy bun atop my head. Glancing at the clock I noticed that it was already nearing five, I didn't think my shower had lasted so long. Charlie would be expecting dinner when he comes in from work, so I should snap to it.

I trudged down the hall, descended the stairs, and made a sharp right turn into the kitchen. Contemplating over what to make for a few moments, I decided on lasagna. Pulling out the pasta, I sat a pot of water on the stove to boil and stared at the clock on the wall while I waited. Five minutes later, the water was gurgling with life as I poured the pasta in, along with a dash of vegetable oil so it wouldn't stick together. Then I went back to the exciting activity of staring into oblivion.

Several rapid knocks came from the front door, pulling me back to reality. Who could be knocking? Charlie had a key that he always used, and Jacob hadn't tried coming over for months. I refused to think it was _him_, but that didn't keep my heart from seeping with hope I hadn't thought it capable of feeling up until this moment. I rushed towards the door, tripping over air twice, before hastily twisting the handle with sweaty palms and swinging the door open wide. My heart dropped for the second time today.

"Leah?" I rasped; disappointment clear in that one word. Once I got over the fact it was only Leah, I could detect an edge to her features. "What is it?"

She looked down at her feet and took a deep breath. When she looked back up to speak to me, her eyes didn't fix on mine, but instead focused on the room behind me. "I..It..It's Jacob. Something went wrong,he needs you."

Pain, that's all I could feel; pain…pain…PAIN! My chest felt like it would split open at any given moment.

Jacob, that's all I could think; Jacob…Jacob…Jacob. No, please just let him be alright.

I ran into the kitchen, not even uttering a word to Leah, and shut off the food. On my way back to the door I grabbed my coat from the closet.

"Let's go." My voice was laced with panic. I didn't even check to see if Leah was behind me, just jumped into my truck and started the engine. It wasn't until I heard the passenger door shut, that I noticed Leah's car wasn't here. She must have ran the whole way, which only deepened my worry.

The car was silent throughout the entire ride to La Push. Neither Leah nor I wanted to voice our undying worry. We pulled up in front of the Black's residence, after turning off the ignition and putting the car into park, I turned to Leah. I struggled to voice the words haunting my mind.

"Leah, i..is he going to li..live?" I stuttered out the words.

Leah turned to me, grief holding her prisoner, causing her eyes to fill with tears soon to be shed. Her mouth opened and snapped shut, at least three times before she looked down at her folded hands in her lap. "I don't know," she choked, her voice barely a whisper.


	8. Words of The Heart

**AN: Sorry, it's kind of short. I've had half of this done for weeks now, but I had extreme writer's block. Frustrating. But now it is gone, and the chapter is finished. I hope you all enjoy it. Also, if you haven't already, go check out the countdown to Christmas. My lovely beta Breath-of-twilight put it all together, and it is amazing. Lots of lemony goodness. You can find it in my favorite stories, on my profile. I decided to start sharing the songs that help me get through chapters, also. So here you go. **

_**In your house, I long to be **_

_**Room by Room**_

_**Patiently, I'll wait for you there**_

_**Like a stone**_

_**I'll wait for you there, alone**_

_**-Like A Stone by Audioslave**_

The air was unusually thick as Leah and I walked up to the front door of Billy's place. My legs felt like melting rubber under the weight of my heavy stomach and chest. Leah reached the door first but didn't even bother with knocking.

I paused with my hand of the screen door handle. Did I really want to face this? Better yet, could I handle this? I didn't have time to give the subject more thought because the door began to open under my grasp. Leah stepped halfway out of the house and extended her fingers to grasp my free hand.

"Come on, Bella. You can do this; he needs you now more than ever." Her face held vulnerability, something I never thought Leah capable of feeling. I should have been shocked at her friendly gestures toward me, but I couldn't focus on anything other than the tragedy that lay just over the doors threshold.

My head felt unnaturally weighed down and it was hard to even manage a timid nod, still somehow I managed. Leah gently pulled me into the house. The entire pack was there filling Billy's quaint living room over maximum capacity. Faces masked with unyielding pain and worry for their brother. It only made me feel worse. If the pack was worried, then what hope could I have?

Sam looked up from his lap, as if just noticing my still form. "He's not awake anymore. The pain was so great that we had to sedate him with pain medication, as much as I didn't like the idea it was either that or hear him suffer." Sam looked near tears. This was the first time I have ever seen him lose his calm demeanor, truthfully it was very unsettling. My stomach flipped and flopped. I needed to look away from his face or I would break down in heaving sobs right then and there. I glanced frantically around the room, noticing Billy was not present.

"Where is Billy?" My voice sounded faint and alien-like. I didn't dare look back into Sam's face, knowing I wouldn't have the willpower to break the eye contact again.

It was Embry who spoke up this time. "We told him to head over to Sue's," he recited in a deflated tone. "He left before we gave Jake the drugs. Every time Jake would howl in pain, Billy would cry out right along with him. It was healthier for him to get away."

The sob that had built up in the back of my throat erupted upon hearing this. He had been in so much pain, while I was at home deciding how to ignore his daily phone calls. It killed me to hear this, to know, but I couldn't break down just yet, I needed to know what had happened. A small voice in the back of my mind told me to just leave it alone, but I had to know. I tried to fight back the tide of tears rolling in, but my voice still managed to come out raspy as the words stumbled from my mouth. "W..wh.." I took a deep breath, and then tried again. "What happened?"

"It was that bitch leech, the one that's been toying with us." Leah's sudden hostility jolted my frayed nerves.

Sam shot Leah a look that I couldn't comprehend and she went abruptly quiet again, then he turned his gaze to me. His eyes were intense as he began to speak. "We were out on one of our routine runs, checking the perimeters to make sure nothing had crossed them. It was just me and Jacob, he headed east and I set out west. Five, maybe ten, minutes after we split up I heard it in his thoughts, she had been there, and the trail was fresh, not even two minutes old. He took off after her like a bat out of hell; he wanted her gone so you would be safe and not have to worry anymore. I ran as fast as I could, but I was too far away. By the time I got there she was scattered around in little chunks and Jake was lying on the ground, howling in pain. Forgive me, Bella, I don't think you wish to know the details of the fight."

Sam was right, I didn't want to know. There were only two things I wanted to know and that was if Jake was going to be alright and if Victoria was dead. "Is she…?" The question hung in the air.

His responding answer gave me joy, even in this dark hour. "Yes, she is dead. You don't have to worry about her any longer, Bella. Now go be with Jacob."

Sam didn't have to tell me twice, I headed down the hall towards Jacob's bedroom. Once my hand fell onto the doorknob, however, I had a hard time turning it. Jacob lay on the other side of this door, vulnerable and weak. I couldn't ignore the fact that all of this was ultimately my fault. If it wasn't for me, James would have never challenged the Cullens and he would still be alive. Victoria would not have felt the need to avenge his death by coming here to Forks with the sole purpose of killing me. Jacob would not be on the other side of this door, injured from a gruesome battle with her. It all boiled down to me, my fault. _No_, I thought abruptly_. I can't talk myself out of this again. _Jacob needs me, and this time I'm going to be there.

I pushed the door open gently and stepped inside, before quietly closing it behind me. The room was small, even to someone as small as me. Jacob's large body took up three-fourths of it from where he lay on his bed. He looked so peaceful, younger than usual, as his chest steadily raised and fell with each breath of life; life that he deserved a chance at living. He had come so close to losing that today, but standing before him now, it seemed unbelievable that such a thing could ever happen. I couldn't imagine Jacob and death in the same sentence, _ever_.

"Bella," he murmured. His voice sounded pained, and it hurt to even hear it. Tears began to pool in my eyes.

Quietly, I walked over and kneeled beside the bed, gently taking his warm hand in mine. I could see the drops of sweat collected on his forehead from where I sat now. I lifted my free hand to wipe them away. As soon as my hand met his scorching skin, Jake's eyes opened, widening at the sight of me. "Bella," he repeated again, this time it was more of a question out of confusion. His voice was even huskier due to the pain killers.

"It's okay, I'm here now. I'm not going to leave you, I promise." Tears started to freely flow down my flushed cheeks. "God, I was so stupid. I'm so, so sorry Jake. This was all my fault."

"Bella, don't…" He tried to sit up, but winced in pain and laid back down. "Don't say that. It's not your fault. I should have waited for Sam to catch up before going after the leech. It's just… I couldn't get the image of how scared you were when I first mentioned her coming back out of my head. I know you don't want me anymore, but I had the chance to make you safe. So, I took it." He reached a hand toward my face, wiping away the stray tears.

I leaned into his touch, relishing in the feel of the warmth it provided. "It's not like that, Jake. I do want you. I just can't..." I paused to take a much needed breath of reassurance. "I just can't stand knowing that I'm the reason you will never find the one who is really meant for you. I know you think those legends are pointless, that they don't matter, but they do. I know how it feels to find that someone and I don't want you to miss out on that because of me."

"I don't need anyone else. Screw that whole imprinting bullshit. You are the only one I will ever need, the only one I will ever be able to truly see. Maybe I don't know the feeling you are talking about, but I do know that when I'm with you it feels like nothing bad could ever touch me. Kind of like we're stuck inside our own perfect world, a snow globe with sunshine. That will always be enough for me."His eyes bored into mine, and I could find nothing but complete dedication in them.

"But, don't you ever worry that we will end up like Sam, Leah, and Emily?" I had to avert my eyes from his as I spoke. I didn't want him to see all the pain that talking about this brought me. "That one day someone will come along and whisk you away, causing you to forget everything you ever felt about me because what you feel for them takes every last inch of space in your heart. That's something I worry about all the time when I think about being with you."

"That will never happen, Bells. I wouldn't let it." His voice was insistent, as he forced me to look into his eyes. "There will never be anyone else, only you. It's always been you, and it always will be, no one is going to just walk in and change that."

He began to sit up again, ignoring the immense pain I knew it caused, and pulled my face to his. His lips were gentle, yet rough at the same time. Forcing me to believe everything would be okay, so long as we had each other. Our lips parted, but his face was still close enough that I could feel his breath tickle my cheeks. "God, Bells, I love you."

Through a thick throat, I replied, "I love you, too." It was true. Oh, so true. I could feel it through every inch of me. I loved Jacob Black. There was still that other love present, though, it would always be there. I would never be able to erase something as potent as that longing. It would stay with me till the day I died and I would host it with grateful misery. It was the only thing that remained of _him_.

**Review, Please!!!! I haven't gotten many and I would really like to know what people think of the story so far. Maybe even things they would like to happen. So, please, REVIEW!!!**


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